When Love Hurts: Understanding Emotional Control in Men’s Relationships

Introduction

Relationships are often seen as safe havens — places where trust, love, and support thrive. But for many Australian men, this isn’t always the case. Emotional control and manipulation within relationships can leave men feeling isolated, powerless, and even ashamed. While conversations about domestic abuse rightly highlight the dangers faced by women, it’s important to recognise that men too can experience emotional abuse. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) Personal Safety Survey 2021, around 1 in 16 men (6.1%) have experienced emotional abuse by a partner since the age of 15.

This isn’t about undermining women’s experiences. Instead, it’s about widening the conversation and ensuring that all victims of abuse — including men — feel seen, heard, and supported.

What Emotional Control Looks Like

Emotional abuse is often subtle and difficult to recognise. For men, it can take many forms, such as:

Constant criticism or belittling comments that undermine confidence.

Isolation from friends, family, or hobbies.

Controlling access to finances or decision-making power.

Gaslighting — making him question his own memory or perception.

Using guilt or threats to manipulate behaviour.

Because it leaves no visible scars, men often dismiss emotional abuse as “not real abuse.” Yet research shows that prolonged emotional control can lead to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal ideation.

Why Men Struggle to Speak Up

Societal expectations around masculinity play a significant role in keeping men silent. The “tough bloke” narrative suggests men should handle their problems on their own, and the stigma around male vulnerability discourages many from seeking help.

A 2019 study by Relationships Australia found that men are less likely than women to identify their experiences as abusive and even less likely to seek support services. Fear of not being believed or being ridiculed compounds their silence.

The Hidden Impact

Emotional control in relationships doesn’t just affect men individually — it ripples outward into families and communities.

Mental health decline: Rates of depression and anxiety are significantly higher in men who experience controlling behaviours.

Parenting challenges: Fathers subjected to emotional abuse may struggle to remain emotionally present for their children.

Substance misuse: Some men turn to alcohol or drugs as coping mechanisms, worsening the cycle of distress.

Suicide risk: With men already accounting for three-quarters of suicides in Australia (ABS, 2022), emotional abuse is a risk factor that cannot be ignored.

Recognising the Signs Early

Recognising emotional control early can make a huge difference. Warning signs may include:

Feeling like you’re always “walking on eggshells.”

Loss of independence in decision-making.

Decreased contact with friends or family.

Constant self-blame for relationship problems.

Feeling anxious or fearful about your partner’s reactions.

If these resonate, it’s a signal that the relationship may be unhealthy — and help is available.

Breaking the Silence and Seeking Support

Encouraging men to come forward requires breaking down stigma and providing safe, supportive pathways. Some options include:

Counselling services: MensLine Australia offers free, confidential counselling for men in distress.

Support groups: Peer-led groups can validate experiences and reduce isolation.

Legal options: For some, protection orders may be necessary if emotional abuse escalates to threats or violence.

Education campaigns: Normalising conversations about male victimhood in relationships can reduce shame and create empathy.

Importantly, seeking help is not a sign of weakness — it’s a step toward reclaiming independence and wellbeing.

Conclusion

Emotional control in relationships is a hidden crisis affecting thousands of Australian men. By naming it, talking about it, and building supportive networks, we can shift the narrative and remind men that they are not alone. Everyone deserves a relationship built on respect, trust, and equality — and men should never feel they must endure control or manipulation in silence.

If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse, support is available:

MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78

Lifeline: 13 11 14

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

No one should have to suffer quietly. Speaking up is the first step toward freedom and healing.